I really thought that because I spend so much time educating about suicide prevention that I’d be okay to write this letter. I don’t think I can yet because two years later, my heart is still too broken.
I miss you.
November 18, 2018
It’s been 16 years today since you left us. I miss you so much and I think about you every single day. You’ve missed so much being gone. Maddy will be 16 in July, can you believe it? She acts so much like you sometimes it drives me crazy! There are times she’ll make certain faces and I see you in her. She has started to show some interest in sports.
I think your mom is struggling even more now that your grandma is gone. We have kept in touch with her and she’s now on Facebook!! She can also text! I haven’t talked to your dad but I heard he’s doing ok. He’s sick, you do know that I’m sure which makes me sad.
I still struggle with wondering why you chose to go away. I think that’s the hardest thing Matt, is there was no explanation or any reasoning. You left us blindsided and broken hearted. I would give anything to bring you back so we could see you and you could meet your daughter. I know you’re here with us and for now that’s enough and is comforting.
With love and miss you every single day!
I’m so mad at you. Some of us who didn’t know you but have been crushed by your suicide are either made fun of for it, or just don’t talk about it because we’ll be ridiculed. I don’t think the people who are assholes about it understand what we’ve lost. You saved us. We knew you understood the darkness and your words gave us hope. Now what do we do? I hope that one day I stop being mad because I miss you everyday.
It’s been seven years since the day I found you. I wish that you’d made a phone call to one of us and just told us how bad you were hurting. I didn’t get to have you help me shop for a wedding dress, or get to make a cute gift to give you to say you’re gonna be a grandma, and you’ve never met your beautiful granddaughter who’s named after you. I promise with all my heart that she’s going to grow up knowing what an amazing woman you were and that it’s okay to talk about her feelings.
When I see other people taking their grief and turning into advocating for change or suicide prevention it makes me feel so weak. Seven years and I’ve yet to stop crying. Seven years and I’ve realized that I just have to learn to live with the pain somehow. I want to call you because this is hurting me so much and you always made me feel better but I can’t. I honestly think I’m broken inside now and there is no putting be back together.
Why did you do it when you knew I’d be over in a few hours? Why did you do it at all? Who’s supposed to make me feel better? I still need you. I miss you so much that I can’t stand it.
It’s hard to believe it’s been four years. I’ll never forget getting the dreadful phone call. You always had the biggest smile on your face. You touched my life with your friendship at a young age. We may have drifted apart and taken opposite paths, but I always kept tabs on you. I wish I would have known about the demons you were fighting.
We were in high school when you died and I wish I’d known you better. In reality we only ever passed each other in the hall way but to this day, so many years later I sill think about you often. I wonder why you did it, and if you were scared at the end, and if you watched everyone mourn you afterward. I had never been touched by before death must less suicide when you took your life and I’ve never been the same since. Something about it made us all grow up right when we found out. It’s hard to explain but I know that somehow you understand everything I’m trying to say even if I’m having a hard time putting it into words. I’m not angry at you, I’m just still so sad.
I hope somehow know that your death had a huge impact on people you didn’t even know, in good ways and bad. There was a girl you never talked to (aside from one of your famous high fives) and she worries about you still. I hope that you’re at peace and I hope I get another high five when we see each other next.
The girl you never knew
It doesn’t matter tho me how long it has passed. I still miss you even though I have never met you in person. You were a role model, and you have saved my life a few times. For that I’ll forever be grateful. And I think I speak for other people when I say that you were a light. A light that’ll never dim, cause you are in many poeple’s hearts. You will never be forgotten to at least me and probably a lot of other people. Your lyrics spoke and described the pain many feel, including me. I wish that you would have gotten help like I have. Maybe then you’d be alive.
I’m supposed to call you dad but I never even got to meet you. I guess when I was born you were there, but by the time I was old enough to remember you.. you were gone. Now that I’m a dad with a son of my own, I’m so angry. It used to only be pain and never anger but if I could say anything to you it would be fuck you.
Fuck you for leaving me to be raised by a woman who was so heart broken by what you did that she couldn’t take care of a baby, or a child who looked just like you, and certainly not a teenage boy while working 3 jobs.
Fuck you for not loving me enough to stick it out. You didn’t love mom enough either so fuck you for that too.
Fuck you for giving me this pain to carry for the rest of my life. I don’t remember you at all and I’m so angry. There aren’t even photos of us. Not one.
Fuck you for not being here to teach me what it means to be a man and making me figure it out on my own.
Fuck you because I’m always going to have questions that no one can answer for me. I hope you are ready the next time you see me because we have a lot to discuss Sam.
[ Letter has been removed for editing by author]
I wish I had known you. I was 9 when you died and really needed you. I don’t think that I really knew you as a person, much less as a woman. I’ll mourn you for the rest of my life and I’m so sorry you felt that death was the only escape from me and dad
Name: robin verdugo
Email Address: firstname.lastname@example.org
Letter Or Message: Dear Chester,
When you passed away, I finally felt like my entire childhood as I knew it was over.
I was about 6 when I first heard In The End and Crawling; my Dad used to play the drums along to them. I was instantly hooked from the moment I heard your voice. I would play Hybrid Theory on my portable CD player for hours, just trying to understand all the words. As I grew older, I finally began to really understand just what you were expressing, I could relate to it so deeply. Crawling ended up sticking to me for the rest of my life; forever being my favorite song and the anthem to my life. It spoke to me, it still speaks to me, I scream it loudly whenever its on. But when my Dad had finally decided he had finally had enough of being with me and my Mom, he just decided to not come home from work one day and my love for Linkin Park as I knew it was over, because it reminded me too much of him and it hurt to even listen to your voice. As time passed, I finally was able to listen to you once again though, because I felt closure; your voice helped heal my broken heart. I was so angry when my mom had won tickets to meet you and I couldn't come along; my entire world was shattered and I still sadly resent her for not finding a way to bring me because I never got to see you live, I never got to fulfill my dream of meeting you and telling you just how much you saved me as a child, a teenager. a young adult, and still to this day. I also need to tell you how sorry I am, for not always being so current on what was going on in LP during the last few years and only finally getting back into it up until the last couple years before you sadly passed on. Being so caught up in dealing with my own depression, I shut myself off from so much. Not to mention, I lost my own sister to suicide a year and three months after we lost you. I'm still hurting, I'm still trying to grasp at everything and understand why. But I guess that's something I will never really know on either sides, but I'm so grateful for having both of you in my life for as long as I did. I guess the point of all this is to tell you just how much I forever will miss and love you, Chester Bennington. And to thank you, for blessing the world with your life saving music and everything in between. Thank you for being one of my heroes, a true light in my darkness. You will always be a shining star in my sky, guiding me with your light, until the time comes when I get to finally meet you. I will continue to make you proud and live my life to the fullest each day, I will let love conquer all hate that comes my way, and I will continue to help end the stigma and talk about mental health always because it's OK not to be OK. I cry when I hear your voice, I cry when I watch you in videos, but as much as it is heartbreaking, it's healing, because I know one day we will see you again.
I love you, Chester!
I wasn’t ready when you died. When we were little you promised me that because we were twins that God had to take us away at the same time. You said that he made us arrive together and knew we wouldn’t make it without each other. Well, now I’m here and you aren’t and I don’t understand how I’m supposed to make it. No one knows what to say to me and have no clue what to say when I reply “When?” if during a condolence they tell me it will get easier.
All of our lives we HATED being asked what it was like to be a twin. I’d give anything to be a twin again.
Please come back and make this all be a dream.
I’m so fucking sick of missing you. I’m so fucking tired of seeing your eyes when I look at our baby son. When am I going to wake up and this is all just a bad dream?
It’s been a bit of time since your passing and in all honesty, I can’t say I’m angry with you. People will say that they’re mad or angry, and it’s all part of the process you know? I understand in part how you felt, and it feels selfish to say so. You were a huge part of my childhood, you were an idol of mine and truly I miss you with all my heart. Though, I never knew you or met you in real life or personally, you were and are still a big part of who I’m becoming.
You really inspired so many people, some to recover and receive help and some to better themselves. You gave people reasons to keep going, you gave me reasons to keep going. We all love you still, that never changed no matter what happened. You’re my hero man, I love you and I understand. I miss you more and more each day, but that’s okay. Everyone does, and that’s okay too.
You were, and are, truly an inspiration.
We all miss you, but I hope you’re resting easy these days.
I honestly am at a loss of what to say. I have thought of so many things I wish I could say to you since the day you passed, but when I got here, my mind went blank at first. For a few minutes. I know you, but I don’t know you. You were the sweetest soul and I know you’re probably worried if we are mad at you. We aren’t. At least, I’m not. I struggle with mental issues, and I get it. I know why you did what you did. I’m not mad, but I’m destroyed. You left us. You left me. You broke my heart into a million pieces. You were supposed to stay here and keep fighting, but you gave up. You saved me so many times since I was young when I felt alone and felt I had nobody in my corner. Your voice, your words, they matched what I was feeling. You always let me know I was never alone in how I felt. That someone out there felt the same way. Now you’re gone and I’ve been so much worse since you left. I want to be angry with you for leaving me and making me fight all this time to stay, but I can’t be mad at you for that. You got me this far and kept me going and for that I’m thankful. I’m not sure how to keep moving forward without you here to show me the way, but I’m desperately trying. I want to make you proud. I want to be one of the people who’s life you saved, and I can’t be that I give up too. To all of your fans, to all of us, you were that light at the end of a tunnel. You gave us a release, and the music that gave us that will never go away, it’ll always be there for us to play when we are feeling down. I play it all the time when I start missing you or I’m struggling to stay alive. I have to keep fighting, for so many people, but also for you. It’s hard not having your voice here anymore. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. You were such a beautiful person, and I hope when my time does come, I’ll finally get to meet you. I’m so so so sorry we couldn’t save you like you saved us. We miss you so, so much.
I love you, Ches. I always will.
With all my heart,
Right off the bat, I’m so sorry that you were treated the way you were and lied to as a kid. I used to think you were just an asshole but as I grew up and now look back on certain things I see that you were just damaged like I am. Sometimes it feels like we never even had a chance. I’m kind of mad because I still have to be here and you don’t. I worry about where you are now, I’m scared I’ll never see you again or that you aren’t happy. I honestly hope that you’re at peace now, you deserve to be. And I hope that we get to see each other again.